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Thursday, January 2nd, 2003
11:13 pm - misery loves company
still haven't recieved that phone call.

some people say that there are 5 key people in your life who influence the way you see yourself. i wonder if you can change these people if you no longer like the way they make you feel. take my sister for example. she makes me feel unimportant, unvaluable and most of all sick to my stomach. i mean, i don't think i have ever heard a nice word come out of her mouth about me. i don't want her to influence how i feel about myself and, while i'm at school anyway, for the most part i don't. its when i come home that it hits me. that she belittles me with her righteous, selfish nature. i think plain and simple that is the reason that i do not like coming home. she is leaving on sunday though, so i'll have a whole week with me and the parents (who for the most part i adore). its almost as if she does things just to spite me. she always does excersizes on the floor in the living room while i'm sitting there, just to emphasise that she has become much more skinnier than i am. (well, hate to break it to you heath, but you have to be skinnier than me to have any advantage over me whatsoever). she called me a glutton today. granted i've been sleeping at least ten hours a night, but i'm depressed. and i don't excersize like she does but thats just not who i am. i don't take my value from the way i look. she just really really makes me feel like shit. i have to stop talking about it or else i am going to cry. how can my own sister be so cruel to me all the time?

i made homemade macaroni and cheese today. it came out really well. and you thought i couldn't cook :)

p.s. thanks katie.. i love you too
About me

current mood: intimidated

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12:36 am - happy new year
i guess i've got a lot to say.

every time i think about going back to school i want to vomit. that can't be a normal reaction to something you love so much. i just want to go back to being a normal college student. i think i am afraid that i will fail everything that i have responsibility for. i've just had no motivation for so long. not to mention that this next semester is going to be the biggest work load i have had in my entire school career. i have to buy 25 books.. which i will undoubtedly have to read in order to keep my gpa (which my parents don't even consider as being above average... another story). i'm just frustrated. and sick to my stomache. i just keep trying to keep deep breaths and make it go away. i guess i've just got to stop thinking about it.

i've realized why i can't have a meaningful real emotional relationship with momma. dont' get me wrong.. i love her so much. but i can't comment on how she makes me feel without her telling me to shut up or just disregarding what i've said like it doesn't matter. today.. after driving for almost three hours in the dark and rain.. i asked her.. i don't even think i was mean about it.. if she could just leave me alone because i was tired and i didn't really want to answer her million questions about last night. i would eventually, just not then. so she threw a fit (now i know where heather gets it from) and i told her that she was really annoying me and i didn't want to get mad at her so if she could just stop.. and she told me to shut up.. like what i said didn't mean anything.. like the emotional that i was relating to her had no value. it just hurt. that she couldn't take me seriously. i'm 20.. not 2. maybe thats why i have such a hard time coming home. no one here respects me.. certainly not heather, and i guess not my momma either. makes me really just want to cry. but whats new right? i'm just a mess.

i need a phone call.
My diary

current mood: disappointed

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Sunday, December 22nd, 2002
12:46 am - long time
its been a long time.

a year from today to be exact.. trust me.. completely unplanned. but i can't remember the person i was this morning never mind the person i was one year ago. i guess i'll just have to take one heart beat at a time.

i'm going to try to keep up on this for awhile. we'll see how it goes.
Lets do it

current mood: grateful

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Saturday, December 22nd, 2001
12:03 pm - grrrrr
this is why i can't live in my house anymore!!!!

my darling sister asked if she could use my glass paint to paint some wine glasses she bought for her friend. of course i let her do it, stupid me. she admitted that she doesn't know how to paint, so of course i try to help her.. what else would i do? so last night i helped her and it went fine. she had one left to do this morning and starts pouring large amounts of paint into each other trying to make purple.. when she can't do it she wines to me and askes me to help her. it was such a waste of paint.. not that paint is incredibly expensive but thats not the point. the point is that wasting my stuff shows a lack of respect for me. kinda like katherine last year and the tissues. so i tell her not to waste the paint and that it would be easier to make the color if she mixed it with a brush rather than pouring colors into each other. she is such a fucking bitch! my parents get mad because she starts yelling about how i'm soo self-righteous and i think i know how to do everything, and how its only paint and mom will buy me some more. not even that she will buy more, but that mom will. she has such a lack of compassion that i can't even deal with it. i know that if i borrowed a pair of her shoes and broke them she would bitch at me and never let it go. but you know what, she's done that to me, broken my shoes that i love, and i never bring it up and i don't even care about it. whatever. shoes, clothes, make-up - that is what is important to her, and i would never not take her advice when i wear a shirt of hers, and i would respect it like it were my own. paint, art, God, - that is what is important to me. and to throw away paint and waste what i value shows an entire lack of respect for me. of course i know what i'm talking about when it comes to paint, thats what i do. and i'm the self-righteous one? who is it that every time i am getting ready to go out insists on putting my make-up on me because i don't know how to do it. bitch. i am competent in putting make-up on and just because i don't make myself up to be a whore doesn't mean i can't do it. i'm not like you heather don't make me be like you. but when i try to give you advice on something i obviously know about and you have already told me that you don't know what you are doing then take it. not with a sigh, not with a bitchy remark, but just take it. i'm just trying to help you. i always "just take it" when you decide to put thick lines of eyeliner on me and make-up up the kazoo. i always take it. and mom and dad don't always take my side, you are just the one who doesn't know how to shut up when the fight is over. mom and dad love you, of course they do, even though you treat them like they are only there to serve you. and i don't mind helping you at all, but if you tried saying please and thank you once and awhile i would feel a little more appreciated. its like she expects me to do things for her.. she knows i will because i'm like that and i won't say no, but she never once says please, or even thank you when i've finished wrapping a gift or cutting a picture or anything. i think that i make people feel pretty appreciated when they do things for me. when she brought me cheesecake from the cheesecake factory the other night i must have said thank you about ten times and told her she was the greatest thing ever about five. and i'd like to get that in return as well. i'm your sister. i have to love you, and i do, but i don't always like you. juts because i'm your sister doesn't mean i have to do things for you, i could say no like you always say no to me. so fuck you. and you know what, i used to say that i hate you, but i don't. i just hate the way you treat me. like you can throw me around. someday, maybe soon, i won't be here and you will have to deal with how you treated me for so long. think about that. and if you don't want to stay at the house for eight months then don't.. its your choice, you moving out is not a threat to us, its something i would rejoice about. you are the sole reason i would live in new hampshire for the summer. because i can't stand living with someone who doesn't appreciate me. which you don't. you make me so mad i could just rip your hair out.. that pretty curly hair that you pride yourself on. well i pride myself on my compassion, and my willing ness to do things for others who need it. so where do you get off? why do you think you have the right to say that your life is going to be better than mine when you don't even really know how to show your love to anyone else. i think that everyone i really love knows how much i love them.. i'm sick of this shit. i'm leaving.
Go to my site

current mood: enraged

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Thursday, December 13th, 2001
10:42 pm
*the greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips, walk out the door and deny him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable.*

~ but what if i stumble, what if i fall? what if i lose my step and i make fools of us all? will the love continue when the walk becomes a crawl? what if i stumble? what if i fall?~
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Sunday, December 9th, 2001
12:09 am
its snowing..


finally, right? i mean, its only the 8th of december. ohh i can't wait for break. i don't want to do work, i don't want to write my paper that is due on tuesday, i don't want to go to class.. i definitely don't want to take finals. i don't know where i am right now. i think i'm stuck. i need to work on myself.. i need some quality alone time. i love my friends, even though i don't always feel they love me, but i just have to go.

i guess the fact of guys ditching me should just be commonplace by now, although it still takes a bit to get through it. thanks a lot, i'll deal with it don't worry. but you know what, don't promise things you can't come through on. i think i hold too tight. i also think i want too much. i put so much effort into my frienships because i want great, in depth relationships with everyone, not just one or two. i want to have a higher level of communication, trust, respect, love.. whatever. maybe i should give up on my ideal. maybe i just shouldn't try at all and live like everyone else.
Help author

current mood: apathetic

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Monday, December 3rd, 2001
9:09 pm
sometimes we make mistakes.. sometimes we make mistakes and aren't ashamed of them.. sometimes we turn our mistakes into great things
Author page

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Friday, November 30th, 2001
12:21 am
i should get used to it shouldn't i?





i just don't want to..
My secret...

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Saturday, November 24th, 2001
9:02 pm
Going by a general calender, it is the third anniversary of my accident. The Saturday after thanksgiving at about 9:30.. I'm in my usual anniversary mood.. reflective and scared to drive anywhere. But where am I? What is different now than three years ago? Have I changed at all?

I've been thinking too much for my own good lately. I think about everything.. mostly about my relationships with everyone else in my life. I don't like to come home. Not because I don't love my family, I love them very much.. they are absolutely fantastic. I think its because they don't know me anymore. They don't know who I am anymore. My friends from high school don't know that either.. except for a certain one. My family and high school friends don't see me in my every day situation, and even though I love them all, and love seeing them, their outlooks on the world are drasticly different than mine. At school, I feel like everyone knows where I'm coming from, everyone knows who I am and what I'm about, and everyone appreciates me for it. Its hard here.

Vicki and I were talking about how our college experiences are very much the same yet very different from most everyone else's. Its weird.. Vic and I don't need to party every night. And we don't need to brag about the things we did while we were drunk. Thats not what its all about. I feel like St. A's helps to foster my morality along with my knowledge, showing me how to apply everything I have learned to my life, not just how to hold my alcohol and make a lot of money when I get out of school. I just don't know. I feel so far away from everything in Westport. I need a good long conversation.

It doesn't help that I just came home from a wedding and last night at family dinner I was the absolute only one at the table who did now have a significant other sitting next to them. I had an empty chair filled with my imaginary friend Bob.
New video

current mood: drained

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12:40 pm - ahhhhhhhh
my hair is short and dark and i hate it
About me

current mood: disappointed

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Wednesday, November 21st, 2001
11:58 pm - ms jones
i've just watched bridgett jones' diary..

women are not objects. why do guys keep making us out to be them? i think it must be just a subconscious thing, that an everyday guy in our society can not think of a girl or be attracted to a girl unless she is wearing a short skirt and has long hair which she keeps flipping. and its not all the guys fault either, girls, we do it to ourselves. what is wrong with our culture? personally i don't want to be an object, and if that means that i won't get a guy then so be it. i'm not willing to compromise my personhood just to have a guy. maybe thats why i hate britney spears.. she makes herself an object of desire. she makes it so that guys will drool over her and she gets pleasure out of it. what is that about? maybe she does have a guy that treats her like a person, but every other guy just sees her as a piece of ass. and that affects every other girl that all of those teenage guys see. talk about making girls sex objects. don't you think that if a guy sees that one girl is trying to make herself out to be a sex object he will expect others to do the same? thats not what we're for, i hate to break it to you guys. the whole subject aggrivates me. i just want a guy who will love me for me, no changes, no exceptions and not only if i have a short skirt on. i want someone who will love my person.. i'm aggrivated. mostly just aggrivated because i don't know many guys like that. matt hohl, matt james, dj, dutch, maybe even joe.. but thats it. why is it that way? i think i deserve a guy who will look at me as an individual, as someone they want to get to know, someone that has a uniqueness, someone that they want to have a mature relationship with.

maybe i just need an older guy.
My diary

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Tuesday, November 20th, 2001
12:04 am
tears won't come tonight. i am at a loss for every emotion i know, and i am empty. why did i do it again? why did i insist on letting my emotions get the better of me?

how can i expect something else to make me happy when i am not even happy with myself. i swear this is how i lose all of my friends, i can't control my emotions, i get depressed, and everyone leaves me because i'm no longer fun. well that sucks, okay? and when i ask you to promise, it only means that whatever it is is extremely important to me and i need to know you understand that. i can't help it.

many years of my emotional struggles have made me what i am and i can't help it. i can't do a fucking thing about it. or at least i have no clue what i can do to make myself better. and each time i think i am getting back to loving myself again i get thrown into a situation i am not ready for and i screw it all up again.

why do i screw it up? why can't i handle a really good friendship. probably because i'm afraid that i will lose it too quickly. i never know what to do. i still don't know what to do. what the fuck.

help me if you want. if not leave me alone to deal with my misery by myself.
Lets do it

current mood: depressed

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Sunday, November 18th, 2001
2:03 pm
i am not a pretty girl
that is not what i do
i ain't no damsel in distress
and i don't need to be rescued
so put me down punk
maybe you'd prefer a maiden fair
isn't there a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere

i am not an angry girl
but it seems like i've got everyone fooled
every time i say something they find hard to hear
they chalk it up to my anger
and never to their own fear
and imagine you're a girl
just trying to finally come clean
knowing full well they'd prefer you
were dirty and smiling

and i am sorry
i am not a maiden fair
and i am not a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere

and generally my generation
wouldn't be caught dead working for the man
and generally i agree with them
trouble is you gotta have yourself an alternate plan
and i have earned my disillusionment
i have been working all of my life
and i am a patriot
i have been fighting the good fight
and what if there are no damsels in distress
what if i knew that and i called your bluff?
don't you think every kitten figures out how to get down
whether or not you ever show up

i am not a pretty girl
i don't want to be a pretty girl
no i want to be more than a pretty girl
Go to my site

current mood: hopeful

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Tuesday, November 13th, 2001
9:16 pm
ecstatic pleased glorious loved befriended cared about worried about cherished jubilant full of joy believed in needed graced amazing ecstatic pleased glorious loved befriended cared about worried about cherished jubilant full of joy believed in needed graced amazing ecstatic pleased glorious loved befriended cared about worried about cherished jubilant full of joy believed in needed graced amazing ecstatic pleased glorious loved befriended cared about worried about cherished jubilant full of joy believed in needed graced amazing ecstatic pleased glorious loved befriended cared about worried about cherished jubilant full of joy believed in needed graced amazing ecstatic pleased glorious loved befriended cared about worried about cherished jubilant full of joy believed in needed graced amazing ecstatic pleased glorious loved befriended cared about worried about cherished jubilant full of joy believed in needed graced amazing ecstatic pleased glorious loved befriended cared about worried about cherished jubilant full of joy believed in needed graced amazing ecstatic pleased glorious loved befriended cared about worried about cherished jubilant full of joy believed in needed graced amazing ecstatic pleased glorious loved befriended cared about worried about cherished jubilant full of joy believed in needed graced amazing
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current mood: ecstatic

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Monday, November 12th, 2001
10:36 pm
what is this mass confusion? this vrazy way we're living? the emptiness we're passing out like candy coated waterdrops.. spilling out my thoughts spilling out my guts..

i am so frustrated i could vomit. i don't know why it happens to me.. i don't know why i turn into a mess when it comes to social justice and/or the collective social conscience. or maybe its not even that.. maybe its that i want to change every single norm of society to the norm of morality. maybe its that i can't just live my life for myself because that would be a waste of the priveledged spot that God gave me. maybe its that i feel like i can't do enough for anyone else. what is wrong with me? i think its about the time to take a blanket onto the quad.. or maybe the soccer field and just stare at the sky and wonder where i'm going. hmm i'll have to do that before it gets too cold. remind me what i'm thinking again? cause i certainly don't know. where am i going? thought you might know cause i have no idea. who am i? forgot that one too.. sorry.
Help author

current mood: aggravated

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Saturday, October 27th, 2001
11:46 pm
she can kill with a smile she can wound ith her eyes
she can ruin your faith with her casual lies
and she only reveals what she wants you to see
she hides like a child but she's always a woman to me

she can lead you to love she can take you or leave you
she can ask for the truth but she'll never believe
and she'll take what you'll give her as long as its free
yeah she steals like a thief but she's always a woman to me

she takes care of herself
she can wait if she wants
she's ahead of her time
and she never gives out
and she never gives in
she just changes her mind

she'll promise you more than the garden of eden
she'll carelessly cut you and laugh while you're bleeding
she'll bring out the worst and the best you can be
blame it all on yourself cause she's always a woman to me

she's frequently kind and she's suddenly cool
she can do as she pleases she's nobody's fool
she can't be convicted, she's earned her degree
the most she can do is throw shadows at you but she's always a woman to me
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current mood: disappointed

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Wednesday, October 24th, 2001
9:16 pm
Each day through my window I watch him as he passes by
I say to myself I'm so lucky he's so fly
To have a boy like him is truly a dream come true
Out of all the girlies in the world he belongs to you
But it was just imagination running away with me
Tell you it was just my imagination running away with me...

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Sunday, October 21st, 2001
10:45 pm
Sometimes.. no matter what is going on in your life... you feel content and happy. Its like a magic crisp air that fills you with an impermeable sense of calm and tranquility. Sometimes its brought on by a special person, sometimes by a special memory, sometimes by both. But whatever it is, or whatever causes it, its the best calm in the world.

current mood: calm

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Tuesday, October 16th, 2001
12:07 am
AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

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Sunday, October 14th, 2001
10:55 pm
i'm a mess.. i don't know what to do.

i wish everyone would just understand where i'm coming from... but they don't and they think i'm mad at them.. but i'm not.. i'm just standing by a friend when he really needs it. if it were any of them i'd do the same thing. i always put friends, especially friends who would give their life for me, first. so maybe he has a strange way of showing his affection, but its still affection and you have to take it as that. friends stick by each other even when they do stupid things.. even when they do things that make you mad.. you have to hate the action and not hate the friend. see.. the thing about friends is that they only work if you are totally devoted to them. i've been hurt too many times because i've been there for a friend totally and completely and they've ditched me. i know how it feels. and even though i've been hurt i'm not going to let that make me do it to someone else. he needs us, girls. he needs us now more than ever. and we all know that he loves us like sisters and loves us completely. he's do anything for us. why is it so easy to get mad at him and choose new friends over old? so maybe he made a mistake, and maybe he ruined your night, and maybe he ruined a prospective relationship, but he's your friend and that is stronger than any of that. the bond between friends runs deeper than stupid fights and choosing sides.

as for me.. i'm upset. i'm upset that my friends chose to go somewhere that they new i would be uncomfortable, without even considering whether or not i would want to go. i'm crushed that in making that decision it was probably just accepted that i wouldn't come. but why? why wouldn't i go? because i am uncomfortable around people who my friends have very very strong feelings towards. because i am so connected to my friends and my friends lives and worries and hopes and loves that it hurts me when my friends are struggling, or hateful, or depressed, or anything. i can't knowingly go to someone's house who hates one of my good friends. so i'm upset, i'm crushed, i'm all alone at the moment. i'm all alone because my friends chose to go to a place that they knew i would not go to. i'm all alone because i chose to support a good friend instead of getting mad at him. because i won't turn my back on him. because thats just the way i am. i can't just give in.. collapse.. choose someone who i've only known for a few days over a guy i know would do anything in his power not to see me hurt. i just can't do that. its not how i am. i'm a solid friend, or at least i try to be, because thats what people need. someone they can trust will be there for them no matter what. its not time to be mad, its time to help and time to teach. point him in the right direction and keep him on that path instead of knocking him down for doing something dumb. we all do dumb things. i hope that you wouldn't give up on me when i do something dumb cause i will never give up on you. i've been hurt too many times that way. i'll never give up on you.

current mood: crushed

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